Another hectic week of school is finally over :) I must say that things are getting worse and worse, what with overdue homework and all those commitments, and it's really hard to keep up with everything that's going on. For one, I think now I have way too many commitments. I'm going to have to remove some before I go crazy. But I'll be able to adjust.

It's funny how commitments enable you to appreciate and treasure everything you have more. And how you're just pushed into a completely new dimension and you find out things you never knew before. Well, other than all those good things, having new commitments also brings along a whole lot of stress and problems.

Something is really getting off-hand. And I can't believe I just realised only this morning during that discussion. I don't think I'll be able to take much more of this. Plus all the new commitments I have to tend to, just a little push over the edge and I'll fall. If this attitude keeps up, I think I shall make up my mind to resign. I've taken so much effort to be enthusiastic about this, but can you all please DO YOUR PART and contribute too? A group can only work well if everyone works together. Apparently that does not apply to this particular group. It's really putting me off, and maybe one day I'll just explode. Because of you, my mood was spoiled for the whole day. Thanks alot.

Well, other than those little problems here and there, life has given me some other experiences which tell me not to give up. It was a nice trip back home from CCA yesterday with Weiyu, and we talked :) I simply love heart-to-heart conversations, especially with people you trust, and with people you love. You can just rant to them and they'll always be there to be your listening ear. Talking to people always makes me feel better somehow :) And I'm thankful for all my close friends, who are always there to support me and encourage me not to give up despite all those obstacles along the way. Anyway, we were just ranting to each other... and then we saw a rainbow! :D It was so beautiful. It's been a while since I saw one, and seeing one when I was in a state of depression was really enlightening. Things like rainbows remind me of how wonderful God's creation is, and how he puts in every single perfect little detail. Seeing that rainbow brought a sense of hope back into my heart, and it was one of the things that helped me to gain determination to push on.

Life is going to be hectic, so I probably won't post as often anymore, like what you already can see. :( Really wish I could post all that happened in the past week here, but there're just so many details to type, and I don't have the luxury of time anymore... :(


10.28pm.
I never realised completely how you took this matter upon yourself. I can't believe I was so insensitive to not realise anything. Am I blind? Or have I just become ignorant? It seems like the latter may be true. My heart was blind towards your feelings, and I hate myself for realising only now. As I read your post, I realised once again, that not everything can be seen from the outside. And usually, it's what's inside that counts. Reading your post, I was crashed by the feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. I seriously HATE myself for being so insensitive. I don't know what else I can say.

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. It was completely ignorant of me, and completely self-centered of me to not notice the state you were in. I can't believe what a failure of a friend I've been. What kind of friend am I? Clearly not a supportive one. ARGH. I just feel like banging my head against a wall until I bleed. I'm sorry I wasn't there and that you had to rely on others instead. Others who were supposedly not close to you. But I made it such that you had no other choice, that you could only rely on those others, and I am completely at fault for that. I wasn't there. And I feel so bad for that.

Perhaps I was too keen on chasing my dreams. So keen that in the process, I neglected my other commitments, and even neglected one of the most important commitments in my life: my friends and you. Perhaps I was blinded by my own passion, or competitiveness, and I forgot the one thing that was such a large component of my life: my friends. I don't know whether I can still be considered as your friend, or if I still deserve to be for that matter. I am ashamed of my own doings.

It is definitely true that things will start to change, and that I will begin to change. Some things, I cannot help. Some changes are to be expected. But change doesn't mean that I want our relationship to change one bit. I don't want it to. I don't know what you see in me now. Do you see someone who's changed completely from inside out? Because if that's what you see, or if that's what you expect to see, then you are wrong. I haven't changed one bit. The only thing that has changed about me is my commitments. And seeing that we meet each other mainly in that room, you would of course see a different side of me as compared to before. But that is just the way I behave when there are commitments I have to handle. It's my reponsibility, and you of all people should be able to understand what responsibility is. You have much more of it than I do.

So please don't feel that way anymore. I'm afraid to confront you, I'm afraid to face you, because I don't know what to expect. I understand your disappointment, I understand what you feel, but I don't know to what extent. I know you see me differently now, because I can feel it whenever I'm close to you. I really hope this situation will be laid out soon. I'm not upset, and I'm not annoyed. I'm only disappointed in myself for making you go through all this.

Right now, I can only say that I'm sorry for all that's happened, but I'm always willing to be your listening ear, may it be shouting, criticising, or whatnot. I'll always be here for you. There are so many things we've gone through together, and I don't want to all that to become just a distant memory. I don't want to lose you.

Another hectic week of school is finally over :) I must say that things are getting worse and worse, what with overdue homework and all those commitments, and it's really hard to keep up with everything that's going on. For one, I think now I have way too many commitments. I'm going to have to remove some before I go crazy. But I'll be able to adjust.

It's funny how commitments enable you to appreciate and treasure everything you have more. And how you're just pushed into a completely new dimension and you find out things you never knew before. Well, other than all those good things, having new commitments also brings along a whole lot of stress and problems.

Something is really getting off-hand. And I can't believe I just realised only this morning during that discussion. I don't think I'll be able to take much more of this. Plus all the new commitments I have to tend to, just a little push over the edge and I'll fall. If this attitude keeps up, I think I shall make up my mind to resign. I've taken so much effort to be enthusiastic about this, but can you all please DO YOUR PART and contribute too? A group can only work well if everyone works together. Apparently that does not apply to this particular group. It's really putting me off, and maybe one day I'll just explode. Because of you, my mood was spoiled for the whole day. Thanks alot.

Well, other than those little problems here and there, life has given me some other experiences which tell me not to give up. It was a nice trip back home from CCA yesterday with Weiyu, and we talked :) I simply love heart-to-heart conversations, especially with people you trust, and with people you love. You can just rant to them and they'll always be there to be your listening ear. Talking to people always makes me feel better somehow :) And I'm thankful for all my close friends, who are always there to support me and encourage me not to give up despite all those obstacles along the way. Anyway, we were just ranting to each other... and then we saw a rainbow! :D It was so beautiful. It's been a while since I saw one, and seeing one when I was in a state of depression was really enlightening. Things like rainbows remind me of how wonderful God's creation is, and how he puts in every single perfect little detail. Seeing that rainbow brought a sense of hope back into my heart, and it was one of the things that helped me to gain determination to push on.

Life is going to be hectic, so I probably won't post as often anymore, like what you already can see. :( Really wish I could post all that happened in the past week here, but there're just so many details to type, and I don't have the luxury of time anymore... :(


10.28pm.
I never realised completely how you took this matter upon yourself. I can't believe I was so insensitive to not realise anything. Am I blind? Or have I just become ignorant? It seems like the latter may be true. My heart was blind towards your feelings, and I hate myself for realising only now. As I read your post, I realised once again, that not everything can be seen from the outside. And usually, it's what's inside that counts. Reading your post, I was crashed by the feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. I seriously HATE myself for being so insensitive. I don't know what else I can say.

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. It was completely ignorant of me, and completely self-centered of me to not notice the state you were in. I can't believe what a failure of a friend I've been. What kind of friend am I? Clearly not a supportive one. ARGH. I just feel like banging my head against a wall until I bleed. I'm sorry I wasn't there and that you had to rely on others instead. Others who were supposedly not close to you. But I made it such that you had no other choice, that you could only rely on those others, and I am completely at fault for that. I wasn't there. And I feel so bad for that.

Perhaps I was too keen on chasing my dreams. So keen that in the process, I neglected my other commitments, and even neglected one of the most important commitments in my life: my friends and you. Perhaps I was blinded by my own passion, or competitiveness, and I forgot the one thing that was such a large component of my life: my friends. I don't know whether I can still be considered as your friend, or if I still deserve to be for that matter. I am ashamed of my own doings.

It is definitely true that things will start to change, and that I will begin to change. Some things, I cannot help. Some changes are to be expected. But change doesn't mean that I want our relationship to change one bit. I don't want it to. I don't know what you see in me now. Do you see someone who's changed completely from inside out? Because if that's what you see, or if that's what you expect to see, then you are wrong. I haven't changed one bit. The only thing that has changed about me is my commitments. And seeing that we meet each other mainly in that room, you would of course see a different side of me as compared to before. But that is just the way I behave when there are commitments I have to handle. It's my reponsibility, and you of all people should be able to understand what responsibility is. You have much more of it than I do.

So please don't feel that way anymore. I'm afraid to confront you, I'm afraid to face you, because I don't know what to expect. I understand your disappointment, I understand what you feel, but I don't know to what extent. I know you see me differently now, because I can feel it whenever I'm close to you. I really hope this situation will be laid out soon. I'm not upset, and I'm not annoyed. I'm only disappointed in myself for making you go through all this.

Right now, I can only say that I'm sorry for all that's happened, but I'm always willing to be your listening ear, may it be shouting, criticising, or whatnot. I'll always be here for you. There are so many things we've gone through together, and I don't want to all that to become just a distant memory. I don't want to lose you.